The Rules of Karaoke

Kitty-Backing off of yesterday’s review of The Cat’s Meow, our friends over at Section 217 wanted to share their insights on how to keep karaoke keen. Yes their blog is mostly dedicated to sports, with extra emphasis on collegiate football, but the group is comprised of a bunch of New Orleanians who went to college at LSU; thus, we trust they know a thing or two about having a good time. And being that we hate sitting through an awful karaoke performance as much as the next guy, we figured we should allow them to lead us to the light(s, camera, and action).

 So take it away, gentlemen…

“Karaoke is an art form.

Most people think that karaoke is the result of someone mustering up enough liquid strength to pick out a song they only half know and scream it into the mic while their buddies laugh at him. While that does happen (a lot), there are people who go to karaoke bars with the intention of giving a real performance. And yes, those people are still hammered drunk, but they do exist. That’s what makes karaoke nights so much fun, the combination of drunken idiots screaming gibberish over a song, and other drunken idiots getting up there and actually doing a decent job.

If you want to ensure that your performance falls into that “fun” category, there are a few rules you need to follow. If you follow them, I promise you that you’ll hear some cheers as you exit the stage.

You may ask, “Where does this dude get off handing down theses rules?”. I like to consider myself a Karaoke connoisseur. Actually, most of the Section 217 Krewe has love for the art of singing others songs, mostly because it reminds us of our college years and our weekly outings to Mellow Mushroom. If you aren’t familiar with Mellow, it’s a pizza chain that makes a pretty damn good pie. On Wednesday nights, the restaurant would transform itself into full karaoke bar mode. They even would bring a stage in which, after a few Shroom Teas, would make you feel like a real performer.

Keith, Kurt and Joey (Friend of the Blog) on Mellow's famed stage. Which was like a foot off the groud...

It’s here that we honed our karaoke skills. Our songs of choice were “Girl You Know It’s True,” “California Love,” “Slow Motion” and “What’s My Name?”. And we killed them all. We even had a following. And by “following,” I mean we had this creepy group of girls that would follow us around at the bar, and end up right in the front of the damn stage when we sang. Maybe the better word there would be “stalkers.”

Today, we do most of our damage at Cat’s Meow down on Bourbon. While the song selection is sparse and the line to sing is long, it definitely has the best crowd to drunkenly sing to. Don’t take my word for it, the people at Love Our City NOLA agree. Go check out their review of the bar here.

Well, without further ado, here are the Rules to Karaoke by:

You Must Know 90% Of The Song You Are Singing

·         Don’t you hate it when that group of sorority sisters take the stage to sing “If You Wanna Be My Lover” only they garble through the lyrics up until the refrain, which they all scream in unison? (The male version of that is “Living on a Prayer”). You have to know the damn song. Don’t go up there and mumble through your performance, that’s what Bob Dylan concerts are for. Also, staring at the screen to read the words does not count as knowing them. It takes away from your performance. Plus, you look like an idiot. No one expects you to sound good, but they do expect you to know what you are singing. And for the record, I can’t carry a tune in a bucket. That’s why I stick to rap. 

OMG, WE ARE SO CRAZY!! LET'S ALL YELL TOGETHER,
THAT'S WHAT SINGING IS RIGHT??!!

The Song MUST Be Recognizable To The Audience

·         I know some of you have eclectic music taste. You listen to bands that don’t get a lot of play on B97; we haven’t really heard the stuff you like to listen to. Well, save that crap for when you’re trying to impress that artistic girl you have a crush on. When it’s time to choose, pick a song that everyone knows, or at the very least, they know the refrain. Why? You want the crowd singing along with you! It gets them into your performance, and more importantly, covers up your voice (really important for those who are terrible singers. Like Britney Spears). Also, just because the artist you pick is popular doesn’t mean the song is too. This isn’t the time to show off that song you liked on 50 Cent’s mix tape. Just do “In Da Club”, the people will appreciate it.

The Song Should Be Upbeat

·         You want to pick a song with energy, no one wants to hear you belt out “Halo”; they want “Single Ladies.” People at this bar are there to drink and dance, so let em! Now, there are some exceptions to this rule. If the song is slow, but something everyone knows and can sing along to, it’s good. Think “Friends In Low Places”, or Biz Markie’s opus “Just a Friend.”

Once You Get on Stage, Remember: It’s a Performance

·         Look, you can pick the perfect song, know every word, but if you aren’t moving around on stage and dancing, you’ve done the audience a disservice. Cut loose up there, come on, I know you already had three shots of Patron to work up the courage to do it.

And that’s really it. Trust me; I know these rules to be true. So go out and use them. Heck, maybe we’ll even see each other at Cat’s. And, if your blood-alcohol content is right, you can help me with “Gin & Juice.” Especially if Keith bails on me again because he’s too drunk to form words."

Although we rarely play by the rules, we'll be sure to add these to our rule book. And be sure to check in over at the Section 217 blog for everything college football this fall. We'll still remind all of you where to watch the games... but they'll have to remind all of us what happened in them...

“Laissez les bon temps rouler”

          - (Kind-of) Kings of Karaoke