Here’s a list of the lessons we’ve complied from Jazz Fest in years past, hoping to help you all repeat our achievements and omit our failures. However, most only learn from making mistakes themselves, so go ahead and attempt our failures too, if you feel so inclined.
Lesson 1) Whether you want to see someone or not, you will.
- We know it seems as if during a ten day cultural festival, with close to .5 million people in attendance, that it would be incredibly hard to track down a friend that you actually want to find and that it would be incredibly easy to avoid a foe you don’t want to find you. Well, you’re wrong on both counts.
o You run into: Your friends!
§ These are obviously the best options of people you can accidentally run into. Unless you somehow accidentally run into Ryan Gosling or Jennifer Aniston. Because those two people are obviously the actual best options, of people, who have lived, ever.
o You run into: The person “X” whom you’ve had a whirlwind of a romance with over the last three weeks who hasn’t called/texted you back since you asked if they were going to Jazz Fest.
§ But don’t worry, you won’t run into X, per se. You will just randomly spot them from 50 feet away and slyly watch their every move until you finally pry your confused and saddened heart away to get another beer. If this happens to you, we beg of you not to let it ruin your day at Jazz Fest. Two months later you will come to terms that X must be gay and all will be right with the world.
o You run into: Your friend “Y”s love interest “Z” (whom up until now Y has been very successful in ‘playing the game with’ but has finally decided to break down and commit.)
§ Well I guess you won’t really run into Z, but Z will text you that they ran into X. Which will cause you to force Y to continually text Z to try and meet up in the hopes Z is still with X. Sadly, this meet up will not occur as you’ve already consumed 4 beers and two daiquiris and texting Y to meet you at the “far back left of the right hand of the stage 20 yards from the fence” is not going to get anyone anywhere.
o You run into: The person that has been trying to court you for the past 3 months who you actually kind of like as a person but completely dislike the fact that they don’t know how to properly dress them self.
§ We know that we’ve boasted that Coachella isn’t half as good as Jazz Fest, but we still wouldn’t mind if people took half as much time planning their outfits for Jazz Fest as they do for that hippie, high fashion, hot mess of a festival. We don’t know if we can achieve it by this year but we figure that if “Coachella” is clearly inspired by “Coach” then we really need to secure alternate inspriation for “Jazz Fest” other than “Jazz”, Will Smith’s best friend from The Fresh Prince.
o You run into: A manager at the job you just started last week. While you and each of your friends are double fisting daiquiris.
§ Yes you may be taking one back to your friend holding your spot at a stage, but your manager doesn’t know that, and you will end up coming off as a complete alcoholic as you fumble through that explanation. (Note: this is in no way an attempt to sway you from double fisting drinks at Jazz Fest, just remember to have a well refined excuse prepared for such occasions.)
o You run into: More friends!!
§ It’s likely you’re going to have a haphazardous day of running into people, such as we’ve demonstrated above. Thus, the universe is likely going to once again conspire in your favor and allow you to meet up with more besties by day’s end. And if by chance you don’t, you should 1) analyze your karma and 2) analyze your proponent vs. opponent ratio in the city.
Lesson 2) Whether you want it or not, there will be weed.
- 2nd hand highs can most definitely happen, without you even knowing it.
- 1st hand highs can most definitely happen, but hopefully you’ll know it, and try not to show it.
Lesson 3) Eyes need sunglasses; to hide from the sun and to hide the tears of when you lose them.
- Last year, RayBan was a sponsor of Jazz Fest.
- Last year, those who didn’t own RayBan’s felt like huge losers that everyone else at the festival owned a pair, especially since all the performers were walking billboards.
- Last year, those who did own RayBan’s felt like huge losers that they paid $150 for a pair of sunglasses which they lost by festival’s end.
Lesson 4) See the bands YOU want to see.
- Yes, the fad of being a hipster has dwindled a tiny bit since last summer, but it’s still hot enough of a trend that you care a tiny bit when they judge you for being too mainstream and not enough “My Morning Jacket”.
- But don’t let these friends’ judgment of you for wanting to see performers in the realms of Jimmy Buffet and Kid Rock deter you from catching them on stage. What kicks ass to you is all that matters, and even the hip-stars should be able to appreciate that.
Lesson 5) There will be cool eats and hot drinks
- The Crawfish Monica is to die for, the meat pies are not, the one-oyster spinach salad is the dumbest $8 you’ve ever spent.
- The frozen daiquiris are an amazing alternative to beer. However, don’t get too excited, your daiquiri will melt in 5 minutes. However, don’t complain too much, your beer has already begun to boil.
- Every year we vow that we will sneak in alcohol; because 1) any beer that costs over $4 is disgustingly overpriced 2) they honestly don’t check very well. And this moment of clarity is squandered every year as we wuss out last second, worried that we will receive the ultimate punishment of being banned from Jazz Fest forever.
Lesson 6) It’s call Jazz Fest, not Jazz Rest
- Like always, we hate encouraging people to not suck every last magical second out of the weekend. However, if you need to not go out on Friday and Saturday night in order to fully enjoy yourself at Jazz Fest, then by all means. While at the fest, you must be attentive and alert in order to pay due respect to all of the amazing artists performing around you.
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If we catch you doing this, we are taking your beer,
pouring it on your head, and stealing your sandals.
We might even give you a wedgie.
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Lesson 7) Other people will be joining you at the festival.
- We have seen people on the verge of panic attacks while weaving their way through the crowds in front of the stage. If you don’t like large crowds of people, don’t contribute to the problem, Jazz Fest is not for you.
Lesson 8) Go as many days as possible.
- Stop messing around, $50 is a cheap ticket to see any and all of the amazing headliners this year so only going one day is unacceptable. And if you can absolutely, positively only afford to go one day… you better be going Sunday, April 29th, fully knowing that Who’s The Boss is not Tony Danza’s former employer but a once in a life time concert opportunity.
“Laissez les bon temps rouler”
- Your Boss, The Boss.
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