How to stay Fat now, until Tuesday

This Week’s Guide to Mardi Gras

By the Unofficial King of Mardi Gras

Mardi Gras can be a confusing time in an adolescent’s life. It can be hard to understand everything that’s going on around you and all the changes your body is going through. But don’t worry, that’s natural… when you’ve been drinking for 24 hours straight. So sober up (at least till the end of this article) and let me help you rookies through what will be one of the best memories of your life (that you only have a slight chance of remembering).

PART I: Getting’ Ready for the ‘Gras

Note: When I say Mardi Gras, I’m not referring to Mardi Gras day alone. It encompasses Fat Tuesday, the Monday before Mardi Gras (Lundi Gras), and the weekend leading up to it. Hell, most use it as a term signifying the entire two weeks leading up to it and if you’re being technical carnival season officially began back on January 6th. Anyway, just know that when I want to refer to a specific day/time/place, you’ll know.

The number one point you need to take away from this post is that:

Mardi Gras doesn’t just “happen”.

You’re going to need to do some prep work if you want to get the most out of it. It’s like any good relationship drunken hook-up; you need to put in time copious amounts of shots to make it work. It’s also a like that in the sense there is a 50% chance you’ll wake up when it’s all over with no money, a terrible headache and the lingering question of “What the hell did I do?”.

So how does one prepare for such an event? Here’s what you apprentices need to know:

• Parade Routes: While there are parades all over the Greater New Orleans area, the “traditional Uptown route” is where all the cool kids go. As do most of the cool parades. But you don’t want to set-up just anywhere on the route. St. Charles, specifically between Napoleon and Louisiana, is the prime area (which also allows you prime access to stop by Superior Grill for a Margarita).
• The one exception to this is Endymion, which takes the Mid-City route. No other parade rolls that same route; that’s how awesome Endymion is. Hopefully you’ll be lucky enough to run into us here. We know you don’t know us, but you’ll know us when you see us.

• Again, here is a website to track the parades: http://www.experiencemardigras.com/
• Parade Spots: If you actually want to watch the floats go by, you need to get there very early to get a good spot. People actually sleep out the night before to carve out their little slice of the neutral ground (neutral ground = median, sidewalk side = sidewalk). And these people really hate it when someone shows up last second trying to get to the front of the parade; it’s not proper Carnival Etiquette. However, if you try to make friends with these people (aka offer them alcohol and food) it’s likely you’ll be welcomed into their krewe in no time.

• Music: The winner of best holiday music is Mardi Gras, edging out Christmas by the slightest of margins. (Winner of the worst holiday music? Labor Day). Get acquainted with the traditional Mardi Gras songs; you’ll be hearing them plenty over the weekend, and you don’t want to feel left out. It also wouldn't hurt to listen to some local brass bands like Rebirth, Soul Rebels and the Dirty Dozen. Also pay special attention to any good rap/dance song that has come out in the past couple of months. If not, don’t expect to find love in the hopeless place you have created for yourself. 



Wobble, baby, wobble

• Dancing: Learn any and all line dances, even if you think you’re way too cool for any and all line dances. If only for the sake of Mardi Gras. Because as you walk up and down the route during the day, you will see people doing these line dances in the street and you will feel the urge to join them. You just will. And The Wobble is a must this year, so deal with it. Also, popular dance moves; like the Wop or the Dougie, need to be learnt.
• Drinking: There will be plenty of it for an extended period of time. Bloody Mary's and Screwdrivers in the morning (we’ve also recently learned that Parton shots chased with OJ and/or pineapple juice are awesome), beer, margaritas, daiquiris and booze during the day, and anything you can get your drunkin’ hands on at night. Pack a cooler, and pack it well. And consider your liver officially warned.

• Beads: As much as I encourage you to, most people don't pay much attention to the actual parade, since they are busy doing the 3 things mentioned above. But regardless, practice catching beads and general hand-eye coordination. You always need to keep your head on a swivel; just because you aren’t looking at the floats doesn’t mean someone isn’t taking aim at you with a pair of beads. Especially if you are an attractive female. In this case, it’s probable that you can’t really catch – so just be sure to always protect the money maker. I'd hate to see that pretty little face messed up by a gross of beads to the head.

• Attire: It's not a fashion show. Wear anything purple, green and gold. Not showcasing each color is highly unacceptable and punishable by... I don't know profuse amounts of your least favorite shot.
• Bathrooms: Make sure you have a Bathroom Plan. Toilets are of high value on the route and most restaurants will have ungodly lines. We recommend finding a house party nearby to kindly crash or finding a church group handing out bracelets that give you the right to use their port-a-potties. They may be making bank on your absurd alcohol consumption, but be sure to still pay them your due respects.



Do each of these things, and you will be just fine. Well, maybe not your liver, but you will be. Well I guess your liver is a part of you… but no, no, honestly you will be fine.

“Laissez les bon temps rouler”

          - (officially) LOC’s (unofficial) MGK

 

Be sure to stay tuned for…
This Week’s Guide to Mardi Gras

PART II: Parade Power Rankings.