“I’d rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints. Sinners are much more fun. And only the good die young.” – Billy Joel
It’s almost seems antithetical to have to have to begin repenting the day after one of the best six-day weekends of your life. But even God had to rest on the 7th day after his creation of Earth. And therefore we should rest on the 7th day after our attempt to destroy it.
Yet even considering this, as New Orleanians, it’s unlikely we would choose to rest and repent on our own. It’s more likely we would continue on our self destructive ways, spiraling downward, until inevitably dying by drowning in Bourbon juice.
Thus, God forces the Lenten season upon us.
So here is a guide on how to regain a semi-normal standard of living post-Mardi Gras, through the observance of the Lenten season. And even if you can’t relate to this piece under the concept of religion, you can probably still relate that post-Mardi Gras is a good time to piece your life back together. (Sorry Billy Joel).
Things to Give Up
- The notion that any uncomfortable emotion/uncomfortable weather condition/uncomfortable sleeping spot can be overcome by a large amount of alcohol. You will have to learn to deal with things like ‘emotions’ and ‘rain’ like a normal human being. And you should probably consider going back to sleeping at home in your bed and not at a friend’s house on their floor couch.
- Meals consisting of solely fried chicken, chips, and king cake. Congratulations, you just ate 3,984 calories and 0 nutrients. This might not be a problem for your northern tourists that shared in the holiday season with us, but in New Orleans, swim suit season starts in about 4 weeks. New Orleanians: proceed to the boiled crawfish diet.
- Drinking RBVs (Red Bull Vodkas) & WCs (Whisky Coffees) instead of sleeping. Yes, being awake (and drunk) is way more fun than sleeping but your body needs sleep or else it will die. And if you’re like some of us who can’t sleep due to 24 hr/day adrenaline rushes, try Unisom ™. It’s literally like God rocking you to sleep every night.
- The current carnival decorations in your house. Yes scattering the millions of beads/doubloons/stuffed animals/spears/masks/coconuts you caught at the parades around your house looked cool for the last two weeks, but now that carnival season is over, you look like you live in disorganized gypsy whore house. You need some space of normalcy that you can retreat to as the city is still clearing out the last remnants of Mardi Gras and we recommend that space to be your own cozy home.
o (We would normally recommend retreating to the normal space inside your head, but we understand that still won’t be back for a couple of weeks).
- Facebook. Yes you got all eight of your friends to take a jell-o shot together, yes they were all different colors, yes you all put on your perfect “shots!” face. Proceed by posting to Facebook. You: +1. Fast forward eight hours. Yes you got all eight of your friends on stage on The Penthouse together, yes all of your thongs were different colors, yes you all put on your glazed-over eyes and sultry mouth faces. And someone proceeded by posting to Facebook. 845 million active Facebook users: +1, You: -844,999,998.
Things to Add
- Drinking water. In a clear glass. You might have the impulse to drink water using one of the 25 new cups you caught on the parade route this year, but we suggest you don’t. Looking at the colorful krewe designs and happy Mardi Gras logos on these cups will only remind of the wonderful life you once lived. And because water looks eerily similar to vodka, you can really spiral out of control quickly. Thus, practice drinking lots of water and getting that BAC down to a cool .08.
o (Note that Solo Cups can and will promote the same issue, especially red ones, especially after that damn new song came out).
- Clothing. So you showed your privy parts. Some people might have taken notice; some people might have even taken a picture. This is no longer acceptable. Especially after all the king cake and daiquiris you’ve consumed in the month of February, it’s actually probably best that you add a couple of new layers to cover up your couple of new layers.
- The concept of “sharing”. A notion first learned as a child, seemed to escape you this weekend as you frequently stole prized throws and beads from a plethora of children. Yes you can claim that “it’s not your fault that your arms are longer than theirs” or that “they encroached on your parade viewing spot”, but honestly, get control of yourself. You are an adult. Oversized stuffed animal snakes are not that cool.
o If you’re still struggling with this issue, Barney & Friends: “Sharing is Caring” can be purchased on Amazon.com for $11.99.
o http://www.amazon.com/Barney-Sharing-Caring/dp/B002AFX528
- Productivity at work. Everything you’ve been putting off until after Mardi Gras because: “the city is too crazy”, “traffic has been unbearable”, “everyone is too hard to get a hold of”, “I’m sooo hungover”, is now back on the table. We know, we know, we’re not happy about it either.
- Call family members and loved ones. Inform them that you’re alive. You’re right, it wouldn’t have been appropriate to answer your grandma’s phone calls during the majority of the last six days. But you could have at least responded to one of your mom’s eight text messages. All they know is that you’ve been in New Orleans, drinking and partying for six straight days and they’re worried about you. Yes, you may have been diligent about documenting your every move on Facebook but remember that your mom frequently forgets how to turn on her computer.
- Look at useful websites on the internet. Specifically those which give you important information on how to live a better and more enjoyable life. Maybe even some focusing on an awesome city you live in/have been dying to go to. Maybe even pass on the address of that website to a friend or family member. Here’s one to try: http://www.loveourcitynola.blogspot.com/
And remember, you’re doing this for God.
So Mardi Gras goers of 2012, we hope this guide helps you survive the next 364 days until Mardi Gras 2013. Or at least the next 40 days and 40 nights. It’s been real.
“Laissez les bon temps rouler”
- The LOC Krewe de Recovery
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